He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
