Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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