so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize