I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Can you bring me the toilet please
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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