I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
two words: eviction party
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
