I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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