so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
