If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
