I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
