Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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