Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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