i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize