So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
