I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
