i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
