The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
