and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
