My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
