genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
