puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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