Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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