dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
