i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
