a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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