My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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