Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize