I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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