Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
