you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
