Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
