My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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