So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
