Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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