Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
