just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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