nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
