Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
