What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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