drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
