i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
