My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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