my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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