here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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