Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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