so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She needs sedatives and a leash
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
