I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
