Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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