his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
