Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
