just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
