I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
