im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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