So drunk its hurt
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize