i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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