She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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