I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
