I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
did i walk over a car last night?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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